No, not while he was wearing it. I know that was the first thing you were thinking, so let’s get that one out of the way now.
For all of you that don’t know, I live in Michigan. As a Michigander, there are a lot of super cool places to go and things to see. Today, we decided to take our two sons to the Natural History Museum at the University of Michigan. My Mom, Step-Dad and brothers were in town, so we decided to head out.
The morning started out hectic as usual. We got Gabriel to school for his half day in the nick of time, shot my daughter Emilia to Grandma’s for the day (museums aren’t her thing) and rushed around to get out of the house. I checked up on the traffic report and the highway we would have taken into Ann Arbor was cluttered with traffic and accidents. I decided in my panic to get out the door to download the Wave app to (hopefully) get us there quickly on a new route we’ve never taken before.
As any good Mom relate to, the kids were all packed up and everyone had everything they needed but I hadn’t eaten a thing yet, had started my period and barely made it out of my sweatpants before we headed out. Wave app had other plans for us that afternoon.
We were supposed to take a route where we stayed off I-94 (the highway we talked about earlier) but naturally, it just took us on 30 minutes of out of the way winding back roads before promptly dropping us off on (you guessed it) crappy traffic laden I-94. It was around that time that I had to pee. And not that kind of pee that you just notice, but the kind of pee that makes you feel like one wrong move will literally empty your bladder where ever you are sitting.
After another 30 minutes of traffic, we got to the University of Michigan and promptly got lost and couldn’t find parking that wasn’t designated for overworked med students or fraternity guys. About 30 minutes later, I was sweating. It hurt to move. I was dying. But we were on a college campus. I couldn’t exactly waddle into a classroom and shout about my problems in the bladder department. We finally parked the car, and I tried to get out.
It was around 2pm and I hadn’t been to the bathroom since 10am and had about 5 cups of coffee in me. I didn’t know what to do. I panicked. I could barely get up. I wasn’t going to make it to a bathroom. So I did what any sane and rational person would do.
“Joe…hand me two of Micah’s diapers”
His face pretty much said it all. I mean, I am a grown ass woman asking for diapers in the middle of a college campus parking garage. Where did I go wrong? I didn’t care. I had to pee now.
So, I creeped down under my front seat, lifted my skirt, removed my underwear and stopped. I looked at that diaper like it was some sort of depressing foreshadowing for where my life would inevitably end. I didn’t care. I had to pee now.
So I opened the diaper, squatted and reluctantly started to relive myself. It was about a quarter of the way through that I realized size 3 diapers aren’t meant to house the urine capacity of an overstressed Mom with 5 cups of coffee in her bladder. I shifted the diaper a little bit to try and soak areas that weren’t already bloated to capacity.
As the diaper got heavier, I looked out the window and wondered what I did in my life to deserve such a fate. What has my life come to, that I am squatting in my Dodge Journey front seat drowning my 8 month old’s diaper with my full morning coffee bladder? I was finally done. And damn, it was HEAVY. Like, your kid soaked through his diaper, clothes, blanket and sheets heavy.
Frankly, I was relieved in more ways than one, and slightly impressed with the quality of the size 3 Huggies Snugglers. I mean, they never seem to make it through the night with Micah’s urine explosion, but goddammit they made it through a 26 year old woman’s embarrassing attempt to not piss herself in public while looking at dinosaur bones at a museum. Not a leak. I was surprised.
I dropped the diaper in an old Mcdonald’s bag and went on to have a blast at the museum with my boys. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but it happened. So folks, the next time your Mom, Wife, Girlfriend is running around getting everyone ready to go out, do her a favor and….
Tell her to pee before you go.