Written by Joseph and Heather Foster
So, I have a 2 sons and a daughter. Gabe will be 8 in August, Emilia will be 5 in July and Micah will be 3 in September (Liza is due to come soon). My wife being pregnant four times made me realize how strange expectant mother rituals are. Being a dad and a previous expectant father, I have a unique perspective on this. Now to be clear, they are odd. Don’t get all upset about it, it is fact that these things happen. If they didn’t…they wouldn’t be on the internet. Here is my list of weird things expectant parents do.
1. Showing off the Pee Stick to the ENTIRE PLANET
Seriously. This really happened. My wife did this with all four of the kids. She took a picture of the pee stick in all its ammonia saturated glory for the world to see. The caption on the pregnancy test picture should have been “I am pregnant, but don’t take my word for it…here is my urine!” Us men will never understand why an “I’m pregnant” Facebook post wouldn’t suffice, but either way…you have to admit it is a little odd.
2. Trying to guess EXACTLY when the sperm hit the egg
Heather and I were “trying” when she got pregnant with our daughter Emilia. And when I say “trying” I mean she became a mathematician, endocrinologist, OBGYN, and fertility specialist. I have to give it to you moms who tracked ovulation to get pregnant…it is defiantly an art. Back to my point.
There are so many calculators and predictors and psychic readers out on the internet for women to just bang their heads against trying to figure out THE EXACT day of conception so they can engage in a futile attempt to figure out THE EXACT due date of the baby. My wife spent a lot of time trying to figure this out…as did a lot of other women on her birth boards. Don’t believe these things exist?
3. Trying to Predict the Gender
Good God! This was probably the worst of all. Predicting the gender. It wouldn’t have been as bad if there weren’t a billion other people saying “You’re having a boy” “It’s a girl” “There is a little prince in there”. Again with the weird calculator thing. Ever heard of a Chinese Gender Predictor? Yeah…me either. My wife is an amazing researcher. You must first ACCURATELY predict your conception (See Step 2) or your due date (not advised because doctors could be wrong lol) and your age and conception and VOILA! You have your baby’s gender. Because Chinese Lunar Calendar Medicine told me so.
To be fair, the websites do say it is a 50/50 accuracy. But ladies…be careful. You can’t just do one! They are all different and some are accurate and others aren’t! Make sure you do them all…for good measure and complete accuracy. *Note: They were wrong…all three times. Wanna know who was right? Heather’s gut instinct….maybe we should market that!?
4. Trying to Predict what your Baby will look like
Gone are the days where you assume your baby will look like either you or your wife. You need a picture. You need evidence. Well guess what!? The interwebz has that too. Heather dabbled in this around 6 months after she found out we were having our daughter. Thankfully, she didn’t do this with the boys, I am sure we would have been even more scarred. We didn’t keep the photos because it scared us and we were reconsidering whether we could consider ourselves “good looking” anymore. Here is the Frankenstein version of me and Heather and then an actual picture of Emilia. We call the other photo EmiliaStein!
5. Analyzing the Ultrasound….in PAINSTAKING detail!
Lord help you if there is a shadow over the pinky finger! I suppose men look at ultrasounds differently, just like women don’t understand why we don’t always fall over ourselves with emotion over a photo of a creepy skull (I know it is a baby…but it is still creepy Ultrasounds are pretty cool honestly; you get to see a little skeleton terrorizing your wife’s innards while she tries not to pee on the tech. But! Once she gets her hands on that ultrasound…you are screwed.
#1 She is going to post your baby’s downstairs on her Facebook. Yep, it will happen. I have proof.
#2: She will look at the pictures to try to count the baby’s toes and fingers and do a general inspection to see a human skull is normal. Consultations with Dr. Google may occur…
6. Inducing….Naturally of course!
This is where things got really weird. Heather was miserable at the end of each of the pregnancies. She nearly had pre-eclampsia with Gabriel, Gestational Diabetes with Emilia and had a 2 week active labor with Micah. PLUS they were all summer babies. Her poor feet looked like footballs. I can see the appeal in wanting to get the baby out.
See, I remember when she was pregnant with Gabriel her OB said to me when she was 39 weeks pregnant that we should have sex a lot to ripen the cervix. I was like “SWEET”. No…It wasn’t sweet…it was a transaction and reminiscent of trying to get pregnant. When we were trying to get pregnant it was “HURRY UP I’M OVULATING” now it was “HURRY UP I WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY”.
It always came out of the blue…and I was used for my…well you know. Sexy right? Then there was all of the research again. Bouncy balls, Castor Oil, Evening Primrose Oil, Coffee Potty….
I said it.
The Pièce de résistance
Now, I love coffee. I love coffee a lot. But when Heather came to me with this coffee potty induction method all I could think of was…”You are going to do WHAT with my coffee”? So here is what coffee potty is.
Coffee Ground Inducing Method:
1. Place plastic bowl in toilet.
2. Heat up water in tea kettle, pot, whatever.
3. Place 1 cup to 2 cups of ground coffee into plastic bowl. (Use 2 if you’re not feeling anything or if you may want stronger contractions.)
4. Pour hot water over the coffee grounds.
5. Squat over the bowl and steam your lady bits for about twenty minutes. Repeat as much as you’d like if you’re getting results.
Yeah. That happened. I caught Heather doing it when she was about 39 weeks with Emilia and Micah. It did nothing but waste a pot of coffee and make her smell like a steamy cup of Joe for her next OB appt. I wonder if they noticed?
Regardless of all of the strange rituals you ladies go through, just know that what you do to carry and have our babies are totally worth going through 9 months of crazy with you!
Do you do any of these things when you are pregnant? Share in the comments!