They are the Capitol
They really rule shit. Seriously! You can’t deny it. Your life circles around their needs. They are hungry? You feed them. They need new shoes? You buy them. They want you to fight a deranged game to the death? Well…you see what I am saying. And again, kids resemble the Capitol in so many ways. The dress funny, they make no sense and you can’t take them seriously.
And yet, they really do rule your life.
You have your own district
Your career, what you do for a living, the cray schedule you keep. You do it. Why? Well, for the Capitol of course… Maybe you are a soldier (District 2) Maybe a bus driver (District 6) or maybe a farmer (District 11). You have your role and the reward is to the Capitol. I mean, they let you have that Sex on the Beach cocktail every so often, but think about it. Toys, games, movies, trips, food, water, shelter. Nearly everything you do is for your kids. I’m not saying that’s wrong. But it is true.
You have to impress them
The moment that sqwiggly beast slips out of your (or your wife’s) creation cavity, you have to impress your kids. You have been chosen to participate in The Hunger Games. Your life really depends on your kids liking you. You always have to impress them…or they won’t send you medicine and shit or put you in the nicer nursing home in the better part of town. From an early age you spend your time cooing and loving them. As they get older, you have to look appropriate for their “friends”. Eventually, your image and their image directly affect each other. You have all seen that kid who is mortified by the thought of seeing their parent at a school play. Don’t be that parent. Remember. You will need them to like you enough for the good nursing home!
They make you do things you don’t want to do
And you don’t even get the chance to play with the fish bowl full of entries.
Okay, so maybe it isn’t fighting to the death, but it is close. “Dad, I need that new toy that comes out on Black Friday” “Mom, can we go to the park for so you can watch me swing for 4 hours”? “Daddy, I started my period, can you get me some tampons”. “Mom, I am sexually active and I need you to take me to get birth control”. “Dad, I need a cookie NOW!”.Admit it, kids make you do things you don’t want to do. While it may be socially unacceptable to say you don’t want to color with your kids every day, it is more than likely true. At least for me. Maybe I am a shitty parent? Who knows? Moving on.
They rig the game
Oh yes. You remember in The first Hunger Games…when they were all like “Yo, both ya’ll can win if you are from the same district” and then they were all like “Yeah…shit, so I changed my mind. You have to kill each other now”. Yeah, that shit happens all the time with kids. The set you up. They rig the game.
“Mom, can I have a cookie”?
“Dad, can I have a cookie?”
*5 minutes later and your kid is mauling a cookie*
“Stan, why is Billy Freklecakes eating a cookie”?
“I told him he could, Jan”.
“I TOLD HIM HE COULDN’T HAVE A COOKIE”
Yep, then Stan shit his pants. He didn’t want to have a pissy wife and sleep on the couch. But alas, it was out of his hands. The Capitol will always rig the game in “their favor”. Good thing we love them…or we would have to kill them.