The best part of my last son Micah’s pregnancy was the knowledge I had going into it. No smoke and mirrors, facades or unrealistic expectations. Here is a list of a 10 things I have learned so far being pregnant and having babies.
1.) Take the epidural and take it early. No one gives you a medal for going through all that torture. I had 3 births, 2 failed epidurals and one successful with an epidural. Wanna guess which one was better?
2.) Changing Table = Laundry Hamper and remote control hiding place….no baby butts need apply.
3.) Cloth diapers are cute and fun to pick out, but that is all. I did this with my daughter in my attempt to be more “crunchy” or environmentally conscience. I literally did laundry most of my life. I know others may have had success with this, but fuck, it was the worst. I’ll take Huggies any day.
4.) Labor is the worst thing you will ever go through. There is not as much magic to it as everyone says, so don’t go into this thinking it is a life changing emotional experience. That is a sure fire way to feel depressed if you don’t feel transcendent after the baby is born. You will mostly be scared shitless. The only magic occurs when they place the baby on your tummy and say “do you want some dinner”?
5.) Being pregnant is like having a wool coat on for 9 months. You are hot as hell. And if you are like me, you only have summer babies so it is way worse. Embrace your body…because everyone will be seeing it while you walk around your house naked with no shame (Sorry UPS guy…you know you liked it just a little).
6.) Your husband/boyfriend/baby daddy/etc really truly doesn’t understand what the hell is going on with you. Even if he reads the books, he is like some type of goldfish/person hybrid that forgets you are pregnant every 5 seconds. It is best to tell him exactly what you need and when to save yourself the blood pressure spike.
7.) The amount you spend on your nursery means nothing. It will all inevitably be covered in poop. The clothes, the crib, the sheets, the furniture, everything. Once they get old enough to stand up, that $695 crib you bought will be the most tooth gnawed piece of garbage you have ever seen. You will be lucky to get rid of it on Craigslist for over $100.
8.) Feed your damn baby. Boob, bottle, who cares? I mean, I wouldn’t suggest going old school with powdered milk and karo syrup…but fuck it, it’s your baby. Talk to your doctor about what you should do, or your midwife, or your Mom. Let people help you with this one.
9.) Cut your hair…seriously. Or at the very least invest in some awesome hair ties. Babies like to grab hold of things while they eat…your hair is a prime candidate for sticky fingers tied in a knot around your lovely non-washed for 3 days hair. You have been warned.
10.) Despite all the crazy pregnancy and infant stuff…you will love the little things to death. All of the nights of worrying about that creepy gurgling noise they are making and whether or not they are pooping enough will be well worth the trouble.